Handling grief – fandome style

I want to start by thanking those of you who’s commented on my two previous posts about my mother I have not had it in me to reply, but I need you to know I read them all over and over and they are very much appreciated!

I’ve been in a constant state of limbo since my mother got sick, my life has been on hold while trying to do my best for her and now I’m stuck in that awful place where everything in bureaucracy and papers and really difficult decisions. Being stuck in all of this and just waiting, waiting to get all the practical things done, waiting to be able to sell her apartment, just waiting. I’m so glad I’ve been able to hide away in fandom when I’ve needed a break from it all.

For some peculiar reason I’ve not been able to read or participate in it but I have been able to write. I think it’s because when I do, I get so obsessed and engrossed in the characters that I kind of switch everything else of and can spend hours mulling over if a character would say a certain thing or how they style their hair or if they like their eggs scrambled or hard boiled.

So, one good thing, that makes me happy in all this horrible mess is that I’m a few edits away from having a finsihed story. I know some people might read this and think that it’s absurd that I’m happy about something as trivial as writing fanfiction in a time like this, I don’t think I’ll find those people in fandome, I think every single on of us knows just what a positive force and a restful place it can be when real life is a tornado all around you.

I posted a preview of this fic two years ago over at my fic journal joking about how slowly I write and it hitting this journal in 2015, turns out, that I was right.

“Jared’s the shit, he’s also a shit who did not break-up with Jensen, they’re reevaluating their relationship. Jensen is a scrapbooking, Martha Stewart addicted, fifties housewife who’s patients has run out and is so broken-up with Jared. Jeff just wants a steady supply of cookies, and possibly has a huge man crush on Jensen but will settle for being cool uncle Jeff. Oh and Chris and Chad are vagina crazy man-whores, but would totally start loving dick for Jensen.”

It’s the longest fic I’ve ever written, hitting just shy of 35.000 words, which isn’t a lot compared to others but it is for me. Above all I’m really happy I’ve finished it, This story, is damn labor of love people. It’s survived stress depression, cancer and my mother dying and I still keep working on it. Even though it sometimes have been years between me opening the document, I’ve never deleted it and I always went back to it.

If things go as I plan I’ll probably be posting it sometime in the coming weeks.

I want to end this post by letting those of you who read this know just how much fandome can help. During this period one thing that has helped me so much is re-reading all the comments on JADE and Coral and on my older spangel stories. Every time I’ve felt like everything around me is just pitch-black and hopeless I’ve opened the comments and read them, over and over and over. It doens’t change any thing and it doess’t make things better but for a few moments I could go back to the time when I was writing and how surprised and happy I was over how my stories where revived, all all of those wonderful comments. And for just a little while, just a few minutes I could escape, remember better times and just breath for a little while and then I could go back to life and deal with it for a little while longer.

So thank you to all of you who has commented over the years, I know you might think it’s just a few simple lines but really for me it’s been invaluable.


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